James, Session 9: Passions, Pride and Their Effect on Relationships

Read the passage: James 4:1-10 (ESV, Bible Gateway)

Read James 4:1-10

Look at v1-2: What does James say is at the root of quarrels and fights?
- How might this be true between friends, family, a married couple or church members?
- When you’re involved in a quarrel, do you tend to think that you or the other person is principally to blame? Why?
- How are ‘passions’, ‘desires’ (literally, over-desires) and ‘coveting’ different but linked?
Considering v3, why might our prayers go unanswered?
- How might you know if this is the case for you?
- How might allowing God’s priorities to shape our prayers influence our desires and thus conflicts?
- Read Psalm 16:11. What does this tell us about where we should look for our desires to be fulfilled?
Look at v4. To call people ‘adulterers’ is strong! Why does James do so? Why is sin spiritual adultery?
- Given what James has said so far, what might ‘friendship with the world’ look like – for you or a church?
Considering v5, God also desires something passionately. What is it? And what does this mean?
In v6 James talks about the proud. How are quarrels and fights linked to pride?
- How do you know if you’re proud? Are you?
- How might God oppose the proud? What form might this take?
How does what James writes in v6-7 provide us with a better way of handling conflict?
- How do we practically submit ourselves to God?
- How do we practically resist the devil?
- ‘Behind our sin lies the fact that we do not resist temptation long enough.’ Discuss
Considering v8, how do we draw near to God, what’s that got to do with heart and hands, and what’s the promise if we do?
- What does it mean to be double minded and do you recognise this in yourself? (Think also of James 1:6-8)
- How might ‘cleansing our hands’ and ‘purifying our hearts’ have an impact on our quarrels?
In v9-10, what does James tell us should be a right response to our pride and quarrels?
- What’s the promise if we humble ourselves before the Lord and repent?
- What does it mean to be exalted by God?

Recap & Reflect

Why and how do our passions, coveting, and pride destroy our relationships with God and those around us?

Write down: – The main things you pray for – Tensions that you have and who you have them with

Then make a list of things that you tend to: – Over-desire – Covet – Be proud of

Following what was discussed today, how might these things be linked? Can you recognise negative patterns as James describes in this passage?

Once you have taken time over the first exercise, meditate on v7-10, and take heart.

Draw near to God and ask for humility and purified desires. Pray for help in breaking these patterns.

Leader’s notes

The notes are here to help you lead a group and answer tough questions. The idea isn’t to read the “right” answer out after each question, but rather to give you support or a helpful nudge in guiding your discussion in the right direction. Feel free to use them as best suits your group.

Look at v1-2: What does James say is at the root of quarrels and fights?
It is our passions and desires – the things we want and the strength with which we want them. And when we cannot get what we want, we fight. The thing itself may be good or bad, but either way it has become an idol in our heart, and we need it to feel good about ourselves and life in general.
- How might this be true between friends, family, a married couple or church members?
  When someone is not giving us what we want – maybe their attention, time, support or respect – and when these things matter a lot to us because they have taken on the form on an idol in our heart, then we will resent it and quarrel – either by actively going on the attack, or passively by withdrawing from them emotionally.
- How are ‘passions’, ‘desires’ (literally, over-desires) and ‘coveting’ different but linked?
  We might say that a passion is something we feel strongly about – it matters to us; a desire is something we want – too much; and to covet is to want something someone else has, or we can’t get, and it eats away at us.
Considering v3, why might our prayers go unanswered?
Strictly speaking, our prayers are always answered, just not in the affirmative! But James highlights one reason why God may not give us what we want – because we’re asking for selfish/self-centred reasons. The thing itself might be good, but the reason we want it is not.
- How might you know if this is the case for you?
  When we are not getting what we are asking God for in prayer, it should prompt us to examine our motives, and our responses to the fact that we are not getting it. If we are finding our reaction is anger or frustration, or a cooling in our love for God, these would be signs that our desire for this thing is not coming from a place of faith and trust in God’s goodness to us.
- How might allowing God’s priorities to shape our prayers influence our desires and thus conflicts?
  Consider the two great commands, to love God and neighbour. If these are shaping our hearts and then our prayers – and we are praying for our love for God and others to grow, and for opportunities to serve him and others, it is highly likely to also influence what we’re wanting in life and how we handle conflicts with those we know we are called to love. In addition, know what really matters in life will put the ‘failure’ of others to give us what we want into perspective.
- Read Psalm 16:11. What does this tell us about where we should look for our desires to be fulfilled?
  The psalm says that fullness of joy is found in the presence of God and at his right hand are ‘pleasures for evermore.’ But who, or what, is at God’s right hand? Christ. So, ultimately all our deepest desire for joy and pleasure are met in Christ. Every other good thing we desire may give us a taste of heaven, but he is the real thing.
Look at v4. To call people ‘adulterers’ is strong! Why does James do so? Why is sin spiritual adultery?
In the Old Testament, the prophets frequently used the image of adultery to describe the way God’s people had turned away from him – their true husband – and run after other gods/idols – their illicit lovers. James is saying that when someone wants something so much they are prepared to fight and quarrel over it, that thing has taken on idol-like proportions in their heart, and they too have become adulterers. They have given their heart to another.
Considering v5, God also desires something passionately. What is it? And what does this mean?
Genesis 2:7 tells us that God created man and breathed life into him – he has made us with a ‘spirit’, and it is this spirit that the Lord is jealous for. He passionately desires that who we are at our deepest level is in right relationship – one of worship – with him (John 4:23-24). It is the jealousy of one who loves us so much he does not want us running after false lovers – the idols of our hearts.
In v6 James talks about the proud. How are quarrels and fights linked to pride?
- How might God oppose the proud? What form might this take?
  God may oppose the proud by bringing circumstances into their lives that humble them, that help them realise that they do not know everything and cannot do everything – that they are not ‘God’. He may even use their pride – their overconfidence – to bring them down.
How does what James writes in v6-7 provide us with a better way of handling conflict?
It is to pursue the path of humility – to know that we are not always right and do not know everything, and that what we do and the motives behind what we do are either wrong or mixed at best. To have such an attitude means we will be more humble about our opinions. In addition, to submit to God is to want to see his will and his ways play out in our attitudes and relationships – not least to seek to love those we are in potential conflict with. Then James says we are to ‘resist the devil’ – in a conflictual situation this means we are aware that there is a battle on and the enemy of our souls has a vested interest in seeing our pride grow, or the relationship destroyed.
Considering v8, how do we draw near to God, what’s that got to do with heart and hands, and what’s the promise if we do?
We draw near to God through repentance and faith. Repentance is turning away from the wrong things we think, say and do – in James’s words, we ‘cleanse our hands’ (what we do) and ‘purify our hearts’ (what we think and therefore say). And to approach God with faith is to place our trust fully in him and his word – which is again to purify our hearts, and to turn away from our ‘double-mindedness’.

Download the complete study: Bible study on James (PDF)